kotaksejutamimpi

what do i need?

2009-04-15T03:02:00.000-07:00

so long i haven't written anything. yeah...i can easily put the blame on my pretty busy life in jakarta :D but the thing is, i'm truly not that occupied. i just go to work and do something in order-basis, meaning that i still have plenty of times to do anything i want, like facebooking, browsing, and youtubing. i don't really fathom how to describe what i undergo now, it's just that i become more and more sluggish than ever. everytime i wake up, i know exactly what to expect from that day. complete foreseeable events that i manage to have everyday! i'm not saying that i don't want to live anymore. it's just that i need something new, something that makes me all alive again!! ohhh...how i miss that feeling. so...what do i need now??????

if only i could flee from my solid weariness for a second

2009-02-09T00:51:00.000-08:00

i am always used to seek my sanctuary when i feel a bit bored or tired of this life by peeking through my old pictures, usually to my dear places that i'd like to visit again some day like paris :D but now that all my pictures in paris has gone with my stolen notebook and i didn't make any back-up, i felt like i no longer have any last resort that can give me a bit fresh air. for this reason, i just browsed some pictures of lovely places that always cast a spell on me, albeit it would never feel the same because there isn't me in these pictures hix...

my stolen pictures actually reveal the gloomier version of this arc and i used to adore it much

this version is better than mine, but it isn't the same though

just like arc du triomphe, i had the gloomier versions of this church because it was nearly dark when i took the pictures. moreover, just across the church, there was les deux magots, a cafe that was often visited by hemingway when he wrote his short stories back then. whereas, me myself just took a sip of amazing bittersweet chocolate. hhhh...how i wish so badly to have those pictures of mine again...

helplessly in rage

2009-02-06T02:20:00.000-08:00

i've never been to this place before
when it first came into my view
i had no other taste but complete emptiness
as if there's a gigantic black hole emerged out of the blue

lord, i want to absorb the sunshine again
yet all i behold is a never-ending diabolical darkness
all i embrace is an absolute solidness
all i can write is red glowering letters

lord, when can i gain cloudless air?!

I'll be your lover too

2009-02-04T21:29:00.000-08:00

i'll be your man
and i'll understand
and i'll do my best
to take good care of you

you'll be my queen
i'll be your king
and i'll be your lover too
yeah yeah

yes i will

derry down green
color of my dream
a dream that's daily coming true
and ohhh when the day is through
i will come to you and tell you of
your many charms

and girl you look at me
with eyes that see
and we'll melt into each others eyes

you'll be my queen
and I'll be your king
and I'll be your lover too

so simple, but i like it, but maybe it's more of robert pattionson's factor :D

it's definitely not worth forgiving

2009-02-04T02:25:00.000-08:00

yesterday a bloody damned thief broke into my room and stole my notebook and digicam. after being investigated for a while, this so-called thief actually had been permitted by two people who are staying under the same roof with me, namely bu susy (the housemaid) and teh ina (the other kost inhabitant who fells this apparently new overwhelming power over the house because the owner trusts her).

anyway, i think it's basically cannot be called as a steal if we see the abovementioned pretext. i won't write any details here since i'm already too tired to describe this idiocy over and over again. here, i just want to write my current feeling so as to try to forgive myself for being so bloody stupid. well...i presume it's then more appropriate to simply put it as a case of GIGANTIC SHEER IDIOCY of two BLOODY STUPID people!! gawd, please enable me to forgive me myself.

this teh ina last night innocently asked for my forgiveness. yeah right! as if her asking for forgiveness could replace my dearie laptop and digicam. i'm currently thinking that it's real hard to tolerate and forgive this plainly empty-headed thingy. and i'm very positive that i won't change my mind anytime sooner or later. but maybe someone may ask me again about this matter if i'm already in my deathbed...

gawd...it actually still feels like a nightmare. if only i could refuse to believe it. a completely precious piece of my life has been roughly shattered by bloody remorseless bastards!!

earth

2009-01-29T18:45:00.000-08:00

subhanallah… I simply couldn’t stop saying this for I was out of words when I saw this film. I just couldn’t take my eyes off the screen, partly because I was simply in sweet surrender of the fine nature itself, partly because I was trying to fathom whether God himself who made this film for five years. each picture doesn’t merely describe the beauty of ecosystem and considerable expertise owned by the film maker, but also clearly depicts how precious the mother earth that’s currently in negligence.

the polar bear family which is in struggle to survive without realizing that the ice in North Pole is at its greatest stake ever. the elephant’s clan that roams millions of miles to absorb water in the pool no matter what it takes. the marine dwellers that are threatened by coral bleaching and will in deep suffer of sufficient food in the near future. the birds that are vanished because there seem to be no more habitats in the rainforest, let alone the fact that there would be quite fewer green forests surrounding us because deforestation is in rapid progress. more importantly, human being will face lack of supply of oxygen and shortage of groundwater for keep on walking on the spheres. suffice it to say that earth obviously needs to be more preserved so as to prevent any kinds of extinction that may lead to harmful effects for the forthcoming generation, both human being and other dwellers of the earth. it is definitely high time to make a difference now, no matter how trivial the step is. one measure will be meaningful for all of us.

I was in distress to find out that the polar bear father finally put an end to his life for the inability to get adequate food because of lack of supply after striving hard for months in the sea. god…it will be so sad if I actually take part in the process of ice melting in the North Pole and to participate in making any polar bear families suffer ravenous starvation.

indeed… it doesn’t take a genius to grasp that the human being and his so-called consumerism have brought about this-fact-that-leads-to-immediate-major-catastrophe. someday in 2030, I don’t want to figure out in the newspaper that polar bear family has disappeared for ever. I don’t want to live in water world, as depicted in the film starred by Kevin Costner. I still want to see the forest of blinding trees shone by the sun up in the sky. I still want to take a bath twice everyday. I still want to eye flower blooming in every inch of the land. let’s act now people. let’s go green in every aspect of our life. let’s fall in love with the mother earth…once again.

morning sun

2009-01-29T18:41:00.000-08:00

if only i could stay at a time

i would linger in sunshine

if only i could stop and stare

i would gaze at sun shining upon trees

rain might hold cloud as tight as ever

wind might embrace dunes in summer

earth might be as brown as dark chocolate

but sun always comes to the sleeping trees

when the sun is up

i'm so happy i could outburst into drips of glee

twilight

2008-12-09T00:50:00.000-08:00

i've never given much tought to how a person could be totally intoxicated to a fictional character such as edward cullen in the twilight saga, though i was in the same shoes years ago :D if you asked me about this so-called forbidden love story about two weeks ago, i would definitely say that this film is a big no-no for me because it's too cheesy and phony a teenage flick.

bu then, i decided to watch it because i'm half-dead curious why people could be so fall in love head over heels to this edward cullen, the sparkling vegetarian vampire who has golden eyes and bronze hair haha...

well...in principle, i like this film because of its gloomy and gothic nuance, not to mention all the green forests embellished most of the scenes and great soundtracks of muse, radiohead, linkin park and all. moreover, the most apparent thing that invites people to be sitting glued in the XXI theatres is the chemistry between edward culllen (robert pattinson) and bella swan (kristen stewart) themselves. of course, one also won't easily overlook the grand scene of a bunch of vampires playing baseball.

so, as a friend of mine once said, their outlawed love story and the cullens are like personal brands of heroine to me from that moment on...

No one will surrender tonight, but I won't give in. I know what I want.

the air of headquarter

2008-08-13T05:01:00.000-07:00

when you start thinking that everyone looks older than they really are

you must be in the headquarter

when you start treating your friends as foes

you must have inhaled the air of conceit

when you start downgrading other people

you must be necessitating your self-righteousity

when you start having meetings more than your daily meals

you must have passed the days in nausea

when you start exaggerating about your virtues

you must have fallen prey to greed

when you start digging in your deepest breath

you must be totally down and out

when you start painfully craving to your sacred necropolis

you must have been in deluded obedience
when you start drowning in humdrum patterns
you must have been in wit's end

when you start asking where you really want to be

you must be at loose end

rats, is this place really something to die for?

how many sorries to make it forgiven?

2008-08-13T03:39:00.000-07:00

about three days ago, a friend of mine thought that i have committed the shittiest thing in our camaraderie on account of not passing an info on my odyssey to the most beautiful part of this crowded city. i had my own reason of course. it nonetheless never crossed my half-wit mind that it would somehow do a bit harm on her. i totally had no slightest inclination to bring about any casualties on my conduct, but then...who would guarantee that everyone would be on the same page as i was?

after asking some friends who were previously on the same shoes, i asked for forgiveness from her and prayed that maybe someday i wouldn't be a shit-ass anymore. but then...who would guarantee that your good will shall be directly gratified with forgiveness? in the end, as quoted from another friend, maybe...maybe she just needs her space to calm herself. the question, my friend, is how many sorries to make it forgiven? albeit not necessarily to be forgotten..

on the bench

2008-08-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

he was sitting on the bench
while she tiptoed on the yellow green grass
easy and no pretension
simple talks and bursting laughter here and there
the surrounding was flawlessly enveloped by soothing tone

“is this for real?” she asked
did he inhale the same air in between them?
would he dare to blow out the magical numb to the blue gray sky?

sunday indeed never comes too late dear
for it’s still such a gorgeous sight for her
to eye him in the middle of dry afternoon

sex and the city

2008-06-25T00:52:00.000-07:00

all women these days are flocking in 21 just to watch carrie bradshaw and her 3 tightly-knit girlfriends in sex and the city. me myself isn't really a grand fan of the series, so i was kind of a bit reluctant to watch the chick flick when a friend of mine asked me to. of course it's also because my highly-trusted movie reviewer (www.imdb.com) cited that there was nothing really new in the big screen and it was a mere long version of the series.

nonetheless, when i finally happened to catch glimpses of carrie and friends, my heart that was totally captured just brought about both laughter and tears. admittedly, the story was no big different from this HBO serial. but then, just like any other women in the world, i was simply blinded by the grandeur of haute couture. the story itself, i suppose, reached the peak when carrie madly got off the car and hit mr. big with the bouquet while her tears were dripping along her bride-to-be-blush. that might be a bit dramatic scene for heaven's sake. but still, i guess only girls who can really perceive how carrie felt at that moment, being so fully rejected by a man thought to be the love of her life.

anyhow, back to the runway show, i was in love head over heels to the bride dress of christian dior. it's so classic and beautiful that i could cry haha...i like some other clothes albeit it's not possible to describe them one by one here.

and the shoes...gawd...i was never engrossed by manolo blahnik because it just happens to be so ridiculously expensive, not to mention that the clickety heels are not feasible to be put on my feet while i dive in the stony streets i am used to pass everyday. but then, my eyes suddenly were fogged by flicker of stars in the diamond-like stone embellishing the pointed blue shoes. voila! the 525-dollar shoes successfully imprisoned me in the land of manolo blahniks. and here is the shoes of my life...

other thing that caught my attention in the film was the letter of ludwig van beethoven read by mr. big after their marriage's ceremony. it's a simple beauty that could last just in time...

though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my immortal beloved,

now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us

i can live only wholly with you or not at all

yes, i am resolved to wander so long away from you

until i can fly to your arms and say that i am really at home with you,

and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits

yes, unhappily it must be so

you will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you

no one else can ever possess my heart - never - never -

oh god, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves

and yet my life in V is now a wretched life

your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men

at my age i need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection?

my angel, i have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day

therefore i must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once

be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together

be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell

oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved

ever thine

ever mine

ever ours

-to the immortal beloved-

across the universe

2008-06-16T23:01:00.000-07:00

you say you want a revolution

well, you know we all want to change the world

you tell me that it's evolution

well, you know we all want to change the world

but when you talk about destruction

don't you know that you can count me out

don't you know it's gonna be all right all right, all right

revolution was sung by jude when he came to the headquarter of paco's cause that strived for the discontinuation of sending young american lads to vietnam's war. he was seemingly in distress about the possibility of lucy leaving him for paco. anyhow, it was just a problem faced by jude in his journey in new york city. i like this film...indeed, taking into account that all songs are the beatles'. let alone the fact that bono has sparked the air of awe while he sang 'i am walrus'. also, there's jim sturgess here everyone! the angelicately delicious guy that i've just found a few days ago haha...

i daresay that the story of the film is not an after-thought, seeing that whole characters intertwined each other by beatles' songs. of course, i didn't quite enjoy when it represented scenes in numerous colours that could easily blind my eyes. (i forgot what it's called in photoshop). to be frankly, i was never into any musical movies. but this one, compared to burton's sweeney todd is probably a bit better since i didn't have to see throat-slitting along with flooding blood here and there. this one is definitely in the same league as moulin rouge and greese. and the songs...they just stick into my head, refusing to pop out no matter what. the idea that it's ended by hey jude is even more intoxicating. gawd, i just love the beatles...

hey jude, dont make it bad

take a sad song and make it better

remember to let her into your heart

then you can start to make it better

winner, winner, chicken dinner!

2008-06-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery

you got to make it do what it do in the moment baby

kungfu panda is maybe one of the most hillarious film i've ever seen, but 21 is surely the most unforeseeable one. each scene of the film simply made me ponder about the legal way to win blackjack in vegas, which is counting the cards based on variable change. more importantly, i just realllllyyyy love to eye jim sturgess in a gigantic screen :D this dearie brit stud depicts stern perseverance in a mind-blowing fashion. good lord, how could he be so angelicately deliciousss??!

by the by, this film also happens to have such a wonderful original soundtrack. flowing like a river...

a farewell with the godmother

2008-06-11T22:50:00.000-07:00

it was on 4th of june, the godmother, mba diyah fleed away to the new continent, whereupon she is going to spend one year to come to pursue her study. so long mba di...you'll always be our godmother...ever... (grinning)

ordinary miracle

2008-06-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

it’s not that unusual when everything is beautiful
it’s just another ordinary miracle today
the sky knows when its time to snow
don’t need to teach a seed to grow

it’s just another ordinary miracle today
life is like a gift they say wrapped up for you everyday
open up and find a way to give some of your own

isn’t it remarkable?
like every time a rain drop falls
it’s just another ordinary miracle today

birds in winter have their fling
but always make it home by spring
it’s just another ordinary miracle today

when you wake up everyday
please don’t throw your dreams away
hold them close to your heart
cause we’re all a part of the ordinary miracle

ordinary miracle
do you want to see a miracle?
it seems so exceptional that things just work out after all
it’s just another ordinary miracle today

sun comes up and shines so bright and disappears again at night
it’s just another ordinary miracle today
it’s just another ordinary miracle today

-sarah mclachlan-

dancing throughout europe by train

2008-06-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

if i were granted a full freedom of act, i would hereby reserve the right to travel all throughout europe by global eurail pass, which would enable me to rail in twenty european countries. for good gracious, would my very kind boss allow me to be absent from my cubicle for three weeks or four? so as to be more effective and efficient in undertaking my jobs. coz if he says so, i'll rummage in my wardrobe in a jiffy and voila... i'll clutch my pack and fumble towards the doorstep of unknown :D the idea that i would pass each border, each city, each culture in a train could simply brew my wanderlust. looking far far away and all i could see would just savannah, all iir's dumb cows in the world, and fresh air. well...of course if i didn't sleep along the journey :D

tut...tut...tut...

that's how the train would sound in my country. yet of course i couldn't expect the same thing if i were in eurotrail or TGV (train a grande vitesse). hmmmhh...i wonder how...i wonder how... i could step my feet and paw the land.

ba...ba...barney...

2008-06-05T21:30:00.000-07:00

still remember how we were so absorbed to a tv series when we were kiddos? me myself was utterly petrified by dinosaurus series back then. and this one little cute godsend was simply stupefied by ba...ba...barney...

sihir hujan

2008-06-04T01:02:00.000-07:00

hujan mengenal baik pohon, jalan, dan selokan
-- swaranya bisa dibeda-bedakan;
kau akan mendengarnya meski sudah kaututup pintu dan jendela.
meskipun sudah kau matikan lampu.

hujan, yang tahu benar membeda-bedakan,
telah jatuh di pohon, jalan, dan selokan - -
menyihirmu agar sama sekali tak sempat mengaduh
waktu menangkap wahyu yang harus kaurahasiakan

-sapardi djoko damono-

selamat pagi indonesia

2008-06-04T00:55:00.000-07:00

selamat pagi, Indonesia, seekor burung mungil mengangguk
dan menyanyi kecil buatmu.
aku pun sudah selesai, tinggal mengenakan sepatu,
dan kemudian pergi untuk mewujudkan setiaku padamu dalam
kerja yang sederhana;

bibirku tak biasa mengucapkan kata-kata yang sukar
dan tanganku terlalu kurus untuk mengacu terkepal.
selalu kujumpai kau di wajah anak-anak sekolah,
di mata para perempuan yang sabar,
di telapak tangan yang membatu para pekerja jalanan;
kami telah bersahabat dengan kenyataan untuk diam-diam mencintaimu.

pada suatu hari tentu kukerjakan sesuatu
agar tak sia-sia kau melahirkanku.
seekor ayam jantan menegak, dan menjeritkan salam padamu,
kubayangkan sehelai bendera berkibar di sayapnya.

aku pun pergi bekerja, menaklukan kejemuan, merubuhkan kesangsian,
dan menyusun batu-demi batu ketabahan,
benteng kemerdekaanmu pada setiap matahari terbit,
o anak jaman yang megah,
biarkan aku memandang ke Timur untuk mengenangmu

wajah-wajah yang penuh anak-anak sekolah berkilat,
para perepuan menyalakan api,
dan di telapak tangan para lelaki yang tabah telah hancur kristal-kristal dusta,
khianat dan pura-pura.

selamat pagi, Indonesia, seekor burung kecil
memberi salam kepada si anak kecil;
terasa benar : aku tak lain milikmu

-sapardi djoko damono-

hatiku selembar daun

2008-06-04T00:52:00.000-07:00

hatiku selembar daun melayang jatuh di rumput;
nanti dulu, biarkan aku sejenak terbaring di sini;
ada yang masih ingin kupandang, yang selama ini senantiasa luput;
sesaat adalah abadi sebelum kausapu tamanmu setiap pagi.

-sapardi djoko damono-

di atas batu

2008-06-04T00:48:00.000-07:00

ia duduk di atas batu dan melempar-lemparkan kerikil ke tengah kali

ia gerak-gerakkan kaki-kakinya di air sehingga memercik ke sana ke mari

ia pandang sekeliling : matahari yang hilang - timbul di sela goyang daun-daunan,

jalan setapak yang mendaki tebing kali, beberapa ekor capung

-- ia ingin yakin bahwa benar-benar berada di sini

-sapardi djoko damono-

frightening as hell

2008-06-04T00:39:00.000-07:00

it frightens me as hell
once it has revealed the window of exuberance
i have no slightest idea of how i should portray the swell
but it certainly has dried the river of disdain

what am I supposed to do?
would it be bettter if i cross the bridge of uncertainty?
would it be harmful if i fly as high as a beaming star?
would it be nauseous if i dive in the deep green sea?

let me perceive the warmth of negligence
let me absorb the blossoming butterflies
let me lean on the very high roof of perplexity
let me end this poignant occurrence

for in the end
it frightens and excites me at the same time

sweet surrender

2008-06-04T00:36:00.000-07:00

if only i could lay my hands on the threshold of beauty
i would dance with the trees of glee
if only i could breathe your name on the land of galore
i would break another mirror of affection

why won't it give a glimmer of fire?
while the strange attraction spreads its wings
why won't it give any token?
when the treasure is inexplicably revealed

for a sweet surrender awaits you in the dimly lit gorgeous evening

inertia in the broken afternoon

2008-06-04T00:32:00.000-07:00

glistening eyes steadfastly want to be fastened
for the body doesn't want to dance and stumble
fingers and toes are deadly numb
while thoughts are simply roaming

hey...
who are you?
are you so real?
yeah...i'm damn absolute

as i just want to lie in the bed of lies

supermum

2008-06-04T00:25:00.000-07:00

a grotesque picture of her
depicting the days of untamed colors
immaculate faint embraces her
floating her desolate reverie

gleam of delight in the eyes
inconceivably overshadowing her sweetest sorrow
resilience upon the divine demeanour
smoothly repelling the tone of conceit

for she can always take me as i am
amidst myriads of uncertainty

exploring the irregulars and challenging boundaries

2008-06-04T00:15:00.000-07:00

speaking of resolution is probably too late as it’s now already approaching the end of may. so far, I know that some people always enlist a set of new year’s resolution, while some others choose to just live the life as it should be. to borrow a quotation of the beatles, “life is what happens while you’re busy making plans.”

in my case, I’m certainly always bound to make a list of new resolutions so as to enhance the quality of my life issues in the forthcoming future. undoubtedly, it always comprises goals to be achieved, some timeframes, and a plan of evaluating the results every two months or so. after some years of doing this routine, I just uncover that I don’t actually stick to the plan I’ve made. well…maybe I’ll do the plan of action for a few days, and the next thing I know is that I totally have forgotten what I should do afterwards. anyhow, who cares about what I’m doing or not? for this is utterly an ill-supervised roadmap.

that’s it. I just go with the flow without having any objectives and all. just be a human being who wants to embrace the moments to the fullest. in doing so, it’s foreseeable that I only want do what I really like and don’t want to do any hard work. it’s actually called over self-indulgent to the ecstasies.

then…I’ve reached that certain point, in which I simply get bored and useless for I don’t give or do anything for others. that point in which I feel that my life is merely regulars that has no pressures or challenges as well. that point in which I experience set-backs and defeats. that point in which I need to explore the irregulars and to dare my boundaries so as to feel alive all over again. that point in which I think I can do better than this. that point in which I think I actually might already have all potentials to give to the greater good. that point in which I need to probably change all directions and set the new tone.

I do know from the very outset that I will always feel frightened when I’ve reached my limits, when I think I will be a total failure. under these circumstances, nonetheless, I always put my very best efforts in striving for the goals. taking this into account, I think I really need to find new challenges that might move me forward and do the irregulars. I need to do it so as God won’t get bored of me

divine despair

2008-06-04T00:10:00.000-07:00

i used to lose my gravity
when you're high as a kite
i used to absorb your hymn of affability
when you're flabbergasted at night

i used to be locked at your flickering stare
but you seem not to fathom
i used to falter in your prudence
but you keep spinning around in tangerine moon

i am spellbound nevertheless
in the deep of your simplicity

ground of inanity

2008-06-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

that swanky stuff it displays
make me get no shrewdness
this bloody phony word it says
drive me into madness

it aint fruitful
it even can't be swell
for its complacency walks in glare
for its superficiality beams as hell

it's not a make-believe
how can it be awe-inspiring?
it's not a blamed infatuation
why am I drowning in this ground of inanity?

a suitcase of dreams

2008-06-03T23:55:00.000-07:00

grievous sky calling at me
in the middle of my delusion
dancing trees waving their branches at me
in the burning of my confusion

freezing air i never imagine
wraps the delicacy of my vein
whirling wind i simply loathe
infatuates the land of my torso

a suitcase of dreams that i clutch
barely unveiling the awe of insanity
a picture of you
surreptitiously stealing my desolate reverie

lethargy is in the air

2008-06-03T23:51:00.000-07:00

nothing to do
at least for this forthcoming fifteen minutes
suddenly perceive all lethargy in the world come to the air
nothing to be solved, nothing to be composed, nothing is real

albeit i have promised my genuine soulmate
each morning i wake up from my bed
that i'll do my all today
that i'll live
that i'll dream on
that i'll dig my deepest breath

to view my precious
to unify my scattered scratches
to unravel the unimaginable
to paw land of hope

-lunch break, my very cubicle-

absence of fear

2008-06-03T23:45:00.000-07:00

inside my skin
there is this space
it twists and turns
it bleeds and aches

inside my heart
there's an empty room
it's waiting for lightning
it's waiting for you

i am wanting and i am needing you
to be here
inside the absence of fear

muscle and sinew
velvet and stone
this vessel is haunted
it creaks and moans
my bones call to you
in a separate skin
i'll make myself translucent
to let you in

i am wanting and
i am needing you
to be here
inside the absence of fear

there is the splendor of this
secret inside of me
and it knows that you're no stranger
you're my gravity
my hands will adore you through all darkness
and they will lay you out in moonlight
and reinvent your name

i am wanting and
i am needing you
to be here
i need you near
inside the absence of fear

-jewel kilcher-

miracle

2008-06-03T23:32:00.000-07:00

listen!
do you hear it?
i do
i can feel it
i expect miracle is coming

it has set loose this retlessness
inside of me
expect it
dream about it
give birth to it in your being

know! something good
is coming down the line
finding its way to you
like all things find
their way to god's children
listen!

-jewel kilcher-

someone to know me

2008-06-03T23:25:00.000-07:00

at first it seemed shocking
but now the idea
tickles my tongue
and intrigues my curiosity
beyond the ability
to rationalize or resist

i want to live with you!

i want to wake each morning
in your arms

comforted by your oddness
seduced by your knowledge of my days,

i want to care for you

brush your hair
put lotion on your scars
and pet you at bedtime
watching your eyes close slow
like a child'sheavy with the thousand things
that filled your day

-jewel kilcher-

bachelor of a quarter life crisis

2008-06-03T23:22:00.000-07:00

an hour and ten minutes more to my new dawn
thinking in retrospect about millions of paths roamed
along with the spots hovering in the inner soul
and the foreseeable enigma lie ahead

should I cut the cord in taciturn?
should I set a new tone in haste?
should I just let it like the flowing river?
should I turn back to the soothing whereabouts?

while my mind wanders in the obscurity
I keep looking on the core of epitome
to fathom whether it’s been already all
or I should just relentlessly walk on to uncover the better self

an encounter with harmless flirtation

2008-06-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

i like it when i see your smile
that stretches from ear to ear
i like it when i sink in your eyes
that gleams the warmth of solace

i like it when i'm spellbound
to see your folly dangling in the air
i like it when i'm out of words
to discern the conversation of our eyes

for your beam is as clear as the nebulae
i will be shattered into pieces
for you are the adventure
i will embrace the insecurities

a loony inbetween everyone

2008-06-03T22:06:00.000-07:00

does a person have to be like everyone else? can’t a person have his/her own distinctiveness? why should a person comply with social norms? why can’t everyone just be himself/herself? what is it so special to be like everyone else?

i can still recall that most of my friends in the college used to call me “weirdo” for I have a quite dissimilar taste of music, films, and clothes. in fact, it actually did go on in the first two of my working years. some of them asked me once, “why can’t you follow what others wear?” “why can’t you just watch mainstream films like we watch now?” “what do you like from the cure?” and sort of questions. i was, without doubt, emotionally tired of having to answer the same inquiries over and over. up to a point, I no longer see any arising benefit that may be brought about by my repetitive answers. in the end, I decided to just act ignorantly towards their whatsoever complaints.

nonetheless, somehow the thought about their questions always tickle my insight. ok, i can make every effort to understand their wish to be in compliance with social likes and dislikes. but why do they have to be so insecure when there’s a person who just happen to be quite the opposite of them? let’s take an instance, tim burton’s films always in a way represent dark and ironic side of life and his unique taste has most often lead him to depict the most repulsive figures and stories that we may never think about. i’m certain that not all people will think highly of his “thought-to-be-grotesque” films. albeit this fact, why don’t we try to appreciate his stranger-than-fiction creation? even if we might not quite grasp a tiny little of the essence.

because after all, we are just individuals who are trying to become. some people may use one way, some others may benefit from the other less traveled way. i’m still me, the one who used to be and still known to be the weirdo, no matter how much efforts put to make me follow the mainstream.

child of all nations

2008-06-03T22:01:00.000-07:00

about two and a half years ago, when I was in a gathering held by my senior in canberra, I met an australian diplomat that was once posted in my country. having had a conversation with him for a couple of minutes, I grasped very well that he spoke bahasa Indonesia fluently and had a thorough comprehension on Indonesian’s history and culture, which of course indirectly displaying australian government’s earnestness in sending its representative to a country.

anyway, in the middle of our conversation, he suddenly startled me with a question, “have you read the “tetralogi buru” of pramoedya ananta toer?”. he continued, “I admired him so deeply for his thoughts in the books clearly reflect his profound love to Indonesia and his wish to promote Indonesian’s people. I myself was spellbound for a minute or two since I haven’t absorbed any of those “tetralogi buru” at all. I just wished that I could simply fade away from that man’s sight at that very moment. without question, I utterly suffered from a total embarrassment because I am an Indonesian who hadn’t read one of the greatest lifetime literature in Indonesia that has been translated to myriads of languages and has achieved international awards. in a nutshell, I simply didn’t have any idea about my own nation.

anyhow, I now have already managed to read two books of tetralogi buru (one of them is child of all nations). it’s conceivably so awesome and heart-moving! no wonder that australian man admired pram so abundantly. on the other hand, I am completely in confusion because I still keep questioning why the old government of Indonesia had banned these books provided that they can awaken the spirit of this shattered nation. what did the old government try to prove? is absolute freedom to speak out one’s mind a darn forbidden demeanor?

twenty-one and four

2008-06-03T21:41:00.000-07:00

what if I never reach this day?

could there be more joy?

what if I have passed this day?

could there be more dismay?

since today is as deep as the truth

and tomorrow is as vague as dusk

should I surpass the truth?

should I undervalue the dusk?

uncertainty may relentlessly embrace the paths traveled

gloom may accompany the wings of bewilderment

sunshine may gleam thousands of unthinkable colors

still, millions of roads yearn to be roamed before my very eyes

I will live…before I sleep

finish what you started

2008-06-03T21:15:00.000-07:00

when i woke up this morning, i couldn't stop thinking that i frequently don't finish what i have started for these three years, specifically after i jumped in my very first work. i don't know whether i was not prepared enough or i was not capable of finishing the assignments, or even worse, i was just inclined to consider my job as one of frivolities in my life. but the more i think about it, the more i feel guilty about what i have done. my former boss, as i recall, 14 months ago asked me to translate some materials about UN bodies so as to be posted in my organization's website dedicated especially for children, entitled "pak globo". well...i translated those stuff...yet posting it to the website was another thing. accordingly, i can still see the materials piled in the corner of my mundane soothing cubicle. likewise, i often didn't make reports shortly after i attended meetings.

as i later found out from my profound contemplation, those unfinished businesses are usually induced by my helpless procrastinating habit and my inability to stay focused on priorities. after having pondered about this influential crap, i decided to calmly take a vow of myself witnessed by all creatures staying in my 3x3 meter room that i will always finish what i started. this vow will put into force starting from today. well...i think i can meet this obligation i made. at least at present...;)

the odyssey

2008-06-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine told me about a blog solely devoted to travelling because the owner is also a world traveller. later that day i took a peek at this guy's blog and i was truly blinded by his flowing pictures about life. for god sake, never had i thought that there would be abundant beauty in this place called the world. while some people on this side talk about shortage of water induced by climate change and some others put efforts on realizing peace in middle east, this guy's blog unveils the true essence of beauty that we should undoubtedly absorb every single day. anyway, i do wonder how a person can be so determined in travelling around the world. well...perhaps just like mr. coelho once said, it's his personal legend more importantly, the pictures taken by this guy does brightens my day for it reminds me that life should be thoroughly enjoyed at present. for those who are curious about the guy i talked on those lines, please visit http://avgustin.net/home.php

writing

2008-06-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

i was never really good at writing actually. looking back at my childhood, i always wondered why people in "pelajaran mengarang bahasa indonesia" could write two to four pages of F4-paper without experiencing any difficulties. take an example, i was in this my-first-superb-starter at 10-quiz, there were some subjects that were competed. lucky me, i was a contestant in PPKN quiz so that i didn't have to write those long tiring pages. then, i saw a girl...she was pretty calm but suddenly, she just wrote those four pages in a blink of an eye. well...it was just a prologue.

now...i'm writing in this blog, somehow it creates both awkward and soothing feelings inside of me. previously, i wrote for some times when i was in college, nothing important though, just my ordinary journal in my diary i don't know what precisely inspires me to do this, but perhaps because i just want to create my own world filled my lost and unrevealed ideas that i constantly think in daily basis.

waking up is the hardest part

2008-06-03T20:03:00.000-07:00

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part

-john mayer-

being fully equipped with high tech facilities doesn’t always mean that we can write as much as we want. from time to time, writing to me is relentlessly a matter of commitment and proper time-allocation. but most of all, it’s a matter of starting from scratches, waking up from procrastinating and over self-indulgent. since long time ago, i reckon that i have this grave resistance inside of me when i want to start any projects, be it a short writing or just a simple clean-up of my desk in the office. care to share any tips to wake up?

a line or two

2008-06-03T02:38:00.000-07:00

the idea of moving my blog to this site has actually been dwelling my mind for some times. the old site was just so darn boring for me. perhaps when i don't manage this blog very well, i will get bored as well :) by the by, i just want to drop a line or two as an introduction for my very new baby blog. soon after this, i'll copy all my post in my former one. bon chance...