how many sorries to make it forgiven?

about three days ago, a friend of mine thought that i have committed the shittiest thing in our camaraderie on account of not passing an info on my odyssey to the most beautiful part of this crowded city. i had my own reason of course. it nonetheless never crossed my half-wit mind that it would somehow do a bit harm on her. i totally had no slightest inclination to bring about any casualties on my conduct, but then...who would guarantee that everyone would be on the same page as i was?

after asking some friends who were previously on the same shoes, i asked for forgiveness from her and prayed that maybe someday i wouldn't be a shit-ass anymore. but then...who would guarantee that your good will shall be directly gratified with forgiveness? in the end, as quoted from another friend, maybe...maybe she just needs her space to calm herself. the question, my friend, is how many sorries to make it forgiven? albeit not necessarily to be forgotten..

exploring the irregulars and challenging boundaries

speaking of resolution is probably too late as it’s now already approaching the end of may. so far, I know that some people always enlist a set of new year’s resolution, while some others choose to just live the life as it should be. to borrow a quotation of the beatles, “life is what happens while you’re busy making plans.”

in my case, I’m certainly always bound to make a list of new resolutions so as to enhance the quality of my life issues in the forthcoming future. undoubtedly, it always comprises goals to be achieved, some timeframes, and a plan of evaluating the results every two months or so. after some years of doing this routine, I just uncover that I don’t actually stick to the plan I’ve made. well…maybe I’ll do the plan of action for a few days, and the next thing I know is that I totally have forgotten what I should do afterwards. anyhow, who cares about what I’m doing or not? for this is utterly an ill-supervised roadmap.

that’s it. I just go with the flow without having any objectives and all. just be a human being who wants to embrace the moments to the fullest. in doing so, it’s foreseeable that I only want do what I really like and don’t want to do any hard work. it’s actually called over self-indulgent to the ecstasies.

then…I’ve reached that certain point, in which I simply get bored and useless for I don’t give or do anything for others. that point in which I feel that my life is merely regulars that has no pressures or challenges as well. that point in which I experience set-backs and defeats. that point in which I need to explore the irregulars and to dare my boundaries so as to feel alive all over again. that point in which I think I can do better than this. that point in which I think I actually might already have all potentials to give to the greater good. that point in which I need to probably change all directions and set the new tone.

I do know from the very outset that I will always feel frightened when I’ve reached my limits, when I think I will be a total failure. under these circumstances, nonetheless, I always put my very best efforts in striving for the goals. taking this into account, I think I really need to find new challenges that might move me forward and do the irregulars. I need to do it so as God won’t get bored of me

a loony inbetween everyone

does a person have to be like everyone else? can’t a person have his/her own distinctiveness? why should a person comply with social norms? why can’t everyone just be himself/herself? what is it so special to be like everyone else?

i can still recall that most of my friends in the college used to call me “weirdo” for I have a quite dissimilar taste of music, films, and clothes. in fact, it actually did go on in the first two of my working years. some of them asked me once, “why can’t you follow what others wear?” “why can’t you just watch mainstream films like we watch now?” “what do you like from the cure?” and sort of questions. i was, without doubt, emotionally tired of having to answer the same inquiries over and over. up to a point, I no longer see any arising benefit that may be brought about by my repetitive answers. in the end, I decided to just act ignorantly towards their whatsoever complaints.

nonetheless, somehow the thought about their questions always tickle my insight. ok, i can make every effort to understand their wish to be in compliance with social likes and dislikes. but why do they have to be so insecure when there’s a person who just happen to be quite the opposite of them? let’s take an instance, tim burton’s films always in a way represent dark and ironic side of life and his unique taste has most often lead him to depict the most repulsive figures and stories that we may never think about. i’m certain that not all people will think highly of his “thought-to-be-grotesque” films. albeit this fact, why don’t we try to appreciate his stranger-than-fiction creation? even if we might not quite grasp a tiny little of the essence.

because after all, we are just individuals who are trying to become. some people may use one way, some others may benefit from the other less traveled way. i’m still me, the one who used to be and still known to be the weirdo, no matter how much efforts put to make me follow the mainstream.

child of all nations

about two and a half years ago, when I was in a gathering held by my senior in canberra, I met an australian diplomat that was once posted in my country. having had a conversation with him for a couple of minutes, I grasped very well that he spoke bahasa Indonesia fluently and had a thorough comprehension on Indonesian’s history and culture, which of course indirectly displaying australian government’s earnestness in sending its representative to a country.

anyway, in the middle of our conversation, he suddenly startled me with a question, “have you read the “tetralogi buru” of pramoedya ananta toer?”. he continued, “I admired him so deeply for his thoughts in the books clearly reflect his profound love to Indonesia and his wish to promote Indonesian’s people. I myself was spellbound for a minute or two since I haven’t absorbed any of those “tetralogi buru” at all. I just wished that I could simply fade away from that man’s sight at that very moment. without question, I utterly suffered from a total embarrassment because I am an Indonesian who hadn’t read one of the greatest lifetime literature in Indonesia that has been translated to myriads of languages and has achieved international awards. in a nutshell, I simply didn’t have any idea about my own nation.

anyhow, I now have already managed to read two books of tetralogi buru (one of them is child of all nations). it’s conceivably so awesome and heart-moving! no wonder that australian man admired pram so abundantly. on the other hand, I am completely in confusion because I still keep questioning why the old government of Indonesia had banned these books provided that they can awaken the spirit of this shattered nation. what did the old government try to prove? is absolute freedom to speak out one’s mind a darn forbidden demeanor?

finish what you started

when i woke up this morning, i couldn't stop thinking that i frequently don't finish what i have started for these three years, specifically after i jumped in my very first work. i don't know whether i was not prepared enough or i was not capable of finishing the assignments, or even worse, i was just inclined to consider my job as one of frivolities in my life. but the more i think about it, the more i feel guilty about what i have done. my former boss, as i recall, 14 months ago asked me to translate some materials about UN bodies so as to be posted in my organization's website dedicated especially for children, entitled "pak globo". well...i translated those stuff...yet posting it to the website was another thing. accordingly, i can still see the materials piled in the corner of my mundane soothing cubicle. likewise, i often didn't make reports shortly after i attended meetings.

as i later found out from my profound contemplation, those unfinished businesses are usually induced by my helpless procrastinating habit and my inability to stay focused on priorities. after having pondered about this influential crap, i decided to calmly take a vow of myself witnessed by all creatures staying in my 3x3 meter room that i will always finish what i started. this vow will put into force starting from today. well...i think i can meet this obligation i made. at least at present...;)

writing

i was never really good at writing actually. looking back at my childhood, i always wondered why people in "pelajaran mengarang bahasa indonesia" could write two to four pages of F4-paper without experiencing any difficulties. take an example, i was in this my-first-superb-starter at 10-quiz, there were some subjects that were competed. lucky me, i was a contestant in PPKN quiz so that i didn't have to write those long tiring pages. then, i saw a girl...she was pretty calm but suddenly, she just wrote those four pages in a blink of an eye. well...it was just a prologue.

now...i'm writing in this blog, somehow it creates both awkward and soothing feelings inside of me. previously, i wrote for some times when i was in college, nothing important though, just my ordinary journal in my diary i don't know what precisely inspires me to do this, but perhaps because i just want to create my own world filled my lost and unrevealed ideas that i constantly think in daily basis.

waking up is the hardest part

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part

-john mayer-

being fully equipped with high tech facilities doesn’t always mean that we can write as much as we want. from time to time, writing to me is relentlessly a matter of commitment and proper time-allocation. but most of all, it’s a matter of starting from scratches, waking up from procrastinating and over self-indulgent. since long time ago, i reckon that i have this grave resistance inside of me when i want to start any projects, be it a short writing or just a simple clean-up of my desk in the office. care to share any tips to wake up?