what do i need?

so long i haven't written anything. yeah...i can easily put the blame on my pretty busy life in jakarta :D but the thing is, i'm truly not that occupied. i just go to work and do something in order-basis, meaning that i still have plenty of times to do anything i want, like facebooking, browsing, and youtubing. i don't really fathom how to describe what i undergo now, it's just that i become more and more sluggish than ever. everytime i wake up, i know exactly what to expect from that day. complete foreseeable events that i manage to have everyday! i'm not saying that i don't want to live anymore. it's just that i need something new, something that makes me all alive again!! ohhh...how i miss that feeling. so...what do i need now??????

if only i could flee from my solid weariness for a second

i am always used to seek my sanctuary when i feel a bit bored or tired of this life by peeking through my old pictures, usually to my dear places that i'd like to visit again some day like paris :D but now that all my pictures in paris has gone with my stolen notebook and i didn't make any back-up, i felt like i no longer have any last resort that can give me a bit fresh air. for this reason, i just browsed some pictures of lovely places that always cast a spell on me, albeit it would never feel the same because there isn't me in these pictures hix...

my stolen pictures actually reveal the gloomier version of this arc and i used to adore it much

this version is better than mine, but it isn't the same though

just like arc du triomphe, i had the gloomier versions of this church because it was nearly dark when i took the pictures. moreover, just across the church, there was les deux magots, a cafe that was often visited by hemingway when he wrote his short stories back then. whereas, me myself just took a sip of amazing bittersweet chocolate. hhhh...how i wish so badly to have those pictures of mine again...

helplessly in rage

i've never been to this place before
when it first came into my view
i had no other taste but complete emptiness
as if there's a gigantic black hole emerged out of the blue

lord, i want to absorb the sunshine again
yet all i behold is a never-ending diabolical darkness
all i embrace is an absolute solidness
all i can write is red glowering letters

lord, when can i gain cloudless air?!

I'll be your lover too

i'll be your man
and i'll understand
and i'll do my best
to take good care of you

you'll be my queen
i'll be your king
and i'll be your lover too
yeah yeah

yes i will

derry down green
color of my dream
a dream that's daily coming true
and ohhh when the day is through
i will come to you and tell you of
your many charms

and girl you look at me
with eyes that see
and we'll melt into each others eyes

you'll be my queen
and I'll be your king
and I'll be your lover too

so simple, but i like it, but maybe it's more of robert pattionson's factor :D

it's definitely not worth forgiving

yesterday a bloody damned thief broke into my room and stole my notebook and digicam. after being investigated for a while, this so-called thief actually had been permitted by two people who are staying under the same roof with me, namely bu susy (the housemaid) and teh ina (the other kost inhabitant who fells this apparently new overwhelming power over the house because the owner trusts her).

anyway, i think it's basically cannot be called as a steal if we see the abovementioned pretext. i won't write any details here since i'm already too tired to describe this idiocy over and over again. here, i just want to write my current feeling so as to try to forgive myself for being so bloody stupid. well...i presume it's then more appropriate to simply put it as a case of GIGANTIC SHEER IDIOCY of two BLOODY STUPID people!! gawd, please enable me to forgive me myself.

this teh ina last night innocently asked for my forgiveness. yeah right! as if her asking for forgiveness could replace my dearie laptop and digicam. i'm currently thinking that it's real hard to tolerate and forgive this plainly empty-headed thingy. and i'm very positive that i won't change my mind anytime sooner or later. but maybe someone may ask me again about this matter if i'm already in my deathbed...

gawd...it actually still feels like a nightmare. if only i could refuse to believe it. a completely precious piece of my life has been roughly shattered by bloody remorseless bastards!!

earth

subhanallah… I simply couldn’t stop saying this for I was out of words when I saw this film. I just couldn’t take my eyes off the screen, partly because I was simply in sweet surrender of the fine nature itself, partly because I was trying to fathom whether God himself who made this film for five years. each picture doesn’t merely describe the beauty of ecosystem and considerable expertise owned by the film maker, but also clearly depicts how precious the mother earth that’s currently in negligence.

the polar bear family which is in struggle to survive without realizing that the ice in North Pole is at its greatest stake ever. the elephant’s clan that roams millions of miles to absorb water in the pool no matter what it takes. the marine dwellers that are threatened by coral bleaching and will in deep suffer of sufficient food in the near future. the birds that are vanished because there seem to be no more habitats in the rainforest, let alone the fact that there would be quite fewer green forests surrounding us because deforestation is in rapid progress. more importantly, human being will face lack of supply of oxygen and shortage of groundwater for keep on walking on the spheres. suffice it to say that earth obviously needs to be more preserved so as to prevent any kinds of extinction that may lead to harmful effects for the forthcoming generation, both human being and other dwellers of the earth. it is definitely high time to make a difference now, no matter how trivial the step is. one measure will be meaningful for all of us.

I was in distress to find out that the polar bear father finally put an end to his life for the inability to get adequate food because of lack of supply after striving hard for months in the sea. god…it will be so sad if I actually take part in the process of ice melting in the North Pole and to participate in making any polar bear families suffer ravenous starvation.

indeed… it doesn’t take a genius to grasp that the human being and his so-called consumerism have brought about this-fact-that-leads-to-immediate-major-catastrophe. someday in 2030, I don’t want to figure out in the newspaper that polar bear family has disappeared for ever. I don’t want to live in water world, as depicted in the film starred by Kevin Costner. I still want to see the forest of blinding trees shone by the sun up in the sky. I still want to take a bath twice everyday. I still want to eye flower blooming in every inch of the land. let’s act now people. let’s go green in every aspect of our life. let’s fall in love with the mother earth…once again.

morning sun

if only i could stay at a time

i would linger in sunshine

if only i could stop and stare

i would gaze at sun shining upon trees

rain might hold cloud as tight as ever

wind might embrace dunes in summer

earth might be as brown as dark chocolate

but sun always comes to the sleeping trees

when the sun is up

i'm so happy i could outburst into drips of glee

twilight

i've never given much tought to how a person could be totally intoxicated to a fictional character such as edward cullen in the twilight saga, though i was in the same shoes years ago :D if you asked me about this so-called forbidden love story about two weeks ago, i would definitely say that this film is a big no-no for me because it's too cheesy and phony a teenage flick.

bu then, i decided to watch it because i'm half-dead curious why people could be so fall in love head over heels to this edward cullen, the sparkling vegetarian vampire who has golden eyes and bronze hair haha...

well...in principle, i like this film because of its gloomy and gothic nuance, not to mention all the green forests embellished most of the scenes and great soundtracks of muse, radiohead, linkin park and all. moreover, the most apparent thing that invites people to be sitting glued in the XXI theatres is the chemistry between edward culllen (robert pattinson) and bella swan (kristen stewart) themselves. of course, one also won't easily overlook the grand scene of a bunch of vampires playing baseball.

so, as a friend of mine once said, their outlawed love story and the cullens are like personal brands of heroine to me from that moment on...

No one will surrender tonight, but I won't give in. I know what I want.

the air of headquarter

when you start thinking that everyone looks older than they really are

you must be in the headquarter

when you start treating your friends as foes

you must have inhaled the air of conceit

when you start downgrading other people

you must be necessitating your self-righteousity

when you start having meetings more than your daily meals

you must have passed the days in nausea

when you start exaggerating about your virtues

you must have fallen prey to greed

when you start digging in your deepest breath

you must be totally down and out

when you start painfully craving to your sacred necropolis

you must have been in deluded obedience
when you start drowning in humdrum patterns
you must have been in wit's end

when you start asking where you really want to be

you must be at loose end

rats, is this place really something to die for?

how many sorries to make it forgiven?

about three days ago, a friend of mine thought that i have committed the shittiest thing in our camaraderie on account of not passing an info on my odyssey to the most beautiful part of this crowded city. i had my own reason of course. it nonetheless never crossed my half-wit mind that it would somehow do a bit harm on her. i totally had no slightest inclination to bring about any casualties on my conduct, but then...who would guarantee that everyone would be on the same page as i was?

after asking some friends who were previously on the same shoes, i asked for forgiveness from her and prayed that maybe someday i wouldn't be a shit-ass anymore. but then...who would guarantee that your good will shall be directly gratified with forgiveness? in the end, as quoted from another friend, maybe...maybe she just needs her space to calm herself. the question, my friend, is how many sorries to make it forgiven? albeit not necessarily to be forgotten..

on the bench

he was sitting on the bench
while she tiptoed on the yellow green grass
easy and no pretension
simple talks and bursting laughter here and there
the surrounding was flawlessly enveloped by soothing tone

“is this for real?” she asked
did he inhale the same air in between them?
would he dare to blow out the magical numb to the blue gray sky?

sunday indeed never comes too late dear
for it’s still such a gorgeous sight for her
to eye him in the middle of dry afternoon

sex and the city

all women these days are flocking in 21 just to watch carrie bradshaw and her 3 tightly-knit girlfriends in sex and the city. me myself isn't really a grand fan of the series, so i was kind of a bit reluctant to watch the chick flick when a friend of mine asked me to. of course it's also because my highly-trusted movie reviewer (www.imdb.com) cited that there was nothing really new in the big screen and it was a mere long version of the series.

nonetheless, when i finally happened to catch glimpses of carrie and friends, my heart that was totally captured just brought about both laughter and tears. admittedly, the story was no big different from this HBO serial. but then, just like any other women in the world, i was simply blinded by the grandeur of haute couture. the story itself, i suppose, reached the peak when carrie madly got off the car and hit mr. big with the bouquet while her tears were dripping along her bride-to-be-blush. that might be a bit dramatic scene for heaven's sake. but still, i guess only girls who can really perceive how carrie felt at that moment, being so fully rejected by a man thought to be the love of her life.

anyhow, back to the runway show, i was in love head over heels to the bride dress of christian dior. it's so classic and beautiful that i could cry haha...i like some other clothes albeit it's not possible to describe them one by one here.

and the shoes...gawd...i was never engrossed by manolo blahnik because it just happens to be so ridiculously expensive, not to mention that the clickety heels are not feasible to be put on my feet while i dive in the stony streets i am used to pass everyday. but then, my eyes suddenly were fogged by flicker of stars in the diamond-like stone embellishing the pointed blue shoes. voila! the 525-dollar shoes successfully imprisoned me in the land of manolo blahniks. and here is the shoes of my life...

other thing that caught my attention in the film was the letter of ludwig van beethoven read by mr. big after their marriage's ceremony. it's a simple beauty that could last just in time...

though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my immortal beloved,

now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us

i can live only wholly with you or not at all

yes, i am resolved to wander so long away from you

until i can fly to your arms and say that i am really at home with you,

and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits

yes, unhappily it must be so

you will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you

no one else can ever possess my heart - never - never -

oh god, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves

and yet my life in V is now a wretched life

your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men

at my age i need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection?

my angel, i have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day

therefore i must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once

be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together

be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell

oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved

ever thine

ever mine

ever ours

-to the immortal beloved-

across the universe

you say you want a revolution

well, you know we all want to change the world

you tell me that it's evolution

well, you know we all want to change the world

but when you talk about destruction

don't you know that you can count me out

don't you know it's gonna be all right all right, all right

revolution was sung by jude when he came to the headquarter of paco's cause that strived for the discontinuation of sending young american lads to vietnam's war. he was seemingly in distress about the possibility of lucy leaving him for paco. anyhow, it was just a problem faced by jude in his journey in new york city. i like this film...indeed, taking into account that all songs are the beatles'. let alone the fact that bono has sparked the air of awe while he sang 'i am walrus'. also, there's jim sturgess here everyone! the angelicately delicious guy that i've just found a few days ago haha...

i daresay that the story of the film is not an after-thought, seeing that whole characters intertwined each other by beatles' songs. of course, i didn't quite enjoy when it represented scenes in numerous colours that could easily blind my eyes. (i forgot what it's called in photoshop). to be frankly, i was never into any musical movies. but this one, compared to burton's sweeney todd is probably a bit better since i didn't have to see throat-slitting along with flooding blood here and there. this one is definitely in the same league as moulin rouge and greese. and the songs...they just stick into my head, refusing to pop out no matter what. the idea that it's ended by hey jude is even more intoxicating. gawd, i just love the beatles...

hey jude, dont make it bad

take a sad song and make it better

remember to let her into your heart

then you can start to make it better

winner, winner, chicken dinner!

yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery

you got to make it do what it do in the moment baby

kungfu panda is maybe one of the most hillarious film i've ever seen, but 21 is surely the most unforeseeable one. each scene of the film simply made me ponder about the legal way to win blackjack in vegas, which is counting the cards based on variable change. more importantly, i just realllllyyyy love to eye jim sturgess in a gigantic screen :D this dearie brit stud depicts stern perseverance in a mind-blowing fashion. good lord, how could he be so angelicately deliciousss??!

by the by, this film also happens to have such a wonderful original soundtrack. flowing like a river...

a farewell with the godmother

it was on 4th of june, the godmother, mba diyah fleed away to the new continent, whereupon she is going to spend one year to come to pursue her study. so long mba di...you'll always be our godmother...ever... (grinning)

ordinary miracle

it’s not that unusual when everything is beautiful
it’s just another ordinary miracle today
the sky knows when its time to snow
don’t need to teach a seed to grow

it’s just another ordinary miracle today
life is like a gift they say wrapped up for you everyday
open up and find a way to give some of your own

isn’t it remarkable?
like every time a rain drop falls
it’s just another ordinary miracle today

birds in winter have their fling
but always make it home by spring
it’s just another ordinary miracle today

when you wake up everyday
please don’t throw your dreams away
hold them close to your heart
cause we’re all a part of the ordinary miracle

ordinary miracle
do you want to see a miracle?
it seems so exceptional that things just work out after all
it’s just another ordinary miracle today

sun comes up and shines so bright and disappears again at night
it’s just another ordinary miracle today
it’s just another ordinary miracle today

-sarah mclachlan-

dancing throughout europe by train

if i were granted a full freedom of act, i would hereby reserve the right to travel all throughout europe by global eurail pass, which would enable me to rail in twenty european countries. for good gracious, would my very kind boss allow me to be absent from my cubicle for three weeks or four? so as to be more effective and efficient in undertaking my jobs. coz if he says so, i'll rummage in my wardrobe in a jiffy and voila... i'll clutch my pack and fumble towards the doorstep of unknown :D the idea that i would pass each border, each city, each culture in a train could simply brew my wanderlust. looking far far away and all i could see would just savannah, all iir's dumb cows in the world, and fresh air. well...of course if i didn't sleep along the journey :D

tut...tut...tut...

that's how the train would sound in my country. yet of course i couldn't expect the same thing if i were in eurotrail or TGV (train a grande vitesse). hmmmhh...i wonder how...i wonder how... i could step my feet and paw the land.

ba...ba...barney...

still remember how we were so absorbed to a tv series when we were kiddos? me myself was utterly petrified by dinosaurus series back then. and this one little cute godsend was simply stupefied by ba...ba...barney...

sihir hujan

hujan mengenal baik pohon, jalan, dan selokan
-- swaranya bisa dibeda-bedakan;
kau akan mendengarnya meski sudah kaututup pintu dan jendela.
meskipun sudah kau matikan lampu.

hujan, yang tahu benar membeda-bedakan,
telah jatuh di pohon, jalan, dan selokan - -
menyihirmu agar sama sekali tak sempat mengaduh
waktu menangkap wahyu yang harus kaurahasiakan

-sapardi djoko damono-

selamat pagi indonesia

selamat pagi, Indonesia, seekor burung mungil mengangguk
dan menyanyi kecil buatmu.
aku pun sudah selesai, tinggal mengenakan sepatu,
dan kemudian pergi untuk mewujudkan setiaku padamu dalam
kerja yang sederhana;

bibirku tak biasa mengucapkan kata-kata yang sukar
dan tanganku terlalu kurus untuk mengacu terkepal.
selalu kujumpai kau di wajah anak-anak sekolah,
di mata para perempuan yang sabar,
di telapak tangan yang membatu para pekerja jalanan;
kami telah bersahabat dengan kenyataan untuk diam-diam mencintaimu.

pada suatu hari tentu kukerjakan sesuatu
agar tak sia-sia kau melahirkanku.
seekor ayam jantan menegak, dan menjeritkan salam padamu,
kubayangkan sehelai bendera berkibar di sayapnya.

aku pun pergi bekerja, menaklukan kejemuan, merubuhkan kesangsian,
dan menyusun batu-demi batu ketabahan,
benteng kemerdekaanmu pada setiap matahari terbit,
o anak jaman yang megah,
biarkan aku memandang ke Timur untuk mengenangmu

wajah-wajah yang penuh anak-anak sekolah berkilat,
para perepuan menyalakan api,
dan di telapak tangan para lelaki yang tabah telah hancur kristal-kristal dusta,
khianat dan pura-pura.

selamat pagi, Indonesia, seekor burung kecil
memberi salam kepada si anak kecil;
terasa benar : aku tak lain milikmu

-sapardi djoko damono-